"Is It Love or Is It Obsession?" - February 2004 Calming Down

Every breath you take, Every move you make,
Every bond you break, Every step you take,
I'll be watching you.
--The Police, "Every Breath You Take"

It may have been a chart-topping hit, but the song is also a good indicator of how blurred the lines can become between the normal infatuation of new love and the unhealthy obsession that leads to stalking and abuse.

What Distinguishes Them?

Healthy love is characterized by a giving, trusting and caring relationship in which both people are allowed to be themselves and provide support for each other. It's the opposite of controlling.

Obsession, on the other hand, differs from infatuation in that the obsessed person often can't work, take care of himself or go about daily activities because his mind is constantly on "the one." Usually these people were raised in an abusive environment, where love and support from family members were absent or sporadic. Because of this, as adults they develop an unhealthy need to control others.

Boiled down, the goal of the obsessed person is to have all of the attention that you can give directed only at her or him.

Warning Behaviors

People with obsessive behavior have a number of characteristics that serve as red flags early in the relationship, such as:

Constantly telephoning calls and e-mailing.
Attempting to buy love with lavish gifts within the first days of a relationship.
Seeking a commitment after only a few hours, days or weeks.
Attempting to control your activities, finances and appearance.
Cutting you off from family, friends and coworkers.
Asking you to quit your job.
Exhibiting a pattern of systematic verbal abuse, often escalating to physical abuse.

What Can Be Done?

The first step in breaking the unhealthy bond is to set boundaries and let the person know that the behavior is unacceptable. Encourage the person to seek counseling and join a support group, especially if he or she is threatening to commit suicide. If these measures are unsuccessful or if the person becomes dangerous, then restraining orders and police intervention may be necessary, along with relocating and changing telephone numbers. Remember, stalking is now a crime in all 50 states and under federal law.

For More Help

In addition to local police, women's shelters, crime hotlines and support groups, you can seek information and assistance from the Stalking Resource Center, a program of the National Center for Victims of Crime, 1-800-FYI-CALL, www.ncvc.org/src.